Funny Lawyer Jokes

Best Lawyer Jokes





Question: Why don't snakes bite attorneys? 

Answer: Professional courtesy.

Lawyer, Doctor and Dying Men

A man woke up in a hospital bed and called for his doctor. He asked "Give it to me straight. How long have I got?" The physician replied that he doubted that his patient would survive the night. The man then said "Call for my lawyer." When the lawyer arrived, the man asked for his physician to stand on one side of the bed, while the lawyer stood on the other. The man then laid back and closed his eyes. When he remained silent for several minutes, the physician asked what he had in mind. The man replied "Jesus died with a thief on either side, and I thought I'd check out the same way."

Accomplice

When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law before the criminal gets arrested, we call him an accomplice. When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law after the criminal gets arrested, we call him a defense lawyer.

Devil's Proposition

An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when Satan appeared before him. The Devil told the lawyer, "I have a proposition for you. 
You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul, your wife's soul, your children's souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and parents-in-law, and the souls of all your friends and law partners." The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked, "So, what's the catch?"

Lawyer Hell

A man was sent to Hell for his sins. As he was being taken to his place of eternal torment, he saw a lawyer making passionate love to a beautiful woman. "What a ripoff," the man muttered. "I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman." Jabbing the man with his pitchfork, the escorting demon snarled, "Who are you to question that woman's punishment?"

Lawyer advice for Doctor

A doctor and a lawyer were attending a cocktail party when the doctor was approached by a man who asked advice on how to handle his ulcer. The doctor mumbled some medical advice, then turned to the lawyer and remarked, "I never know how to handle the situation when I'm asked for medical advice during a social function. Is it acceptable to send a bill for such advice?" The lawyer replied that it was certainly acceptable to do so. So, the next day, the doctor sent the ulcer- stricken man a bill. The lawyer also sent one to the doctor.

Doctor advice for Patient

A doctor told his patient that his test results indicated that he had a rare, incurable disease and that he had only six months to live. "Isn't there anything I can do?" the patient asked. "Marry a lawyer," answered the doctor. "It will be the longest six months of your life."

Lawyer on Mars!?

NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go, and he couldn't return to Earth. The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. "A million dollars," he answered, "because I want to donate it to M.I.T." The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for two million dollars. "I want to give a million to my family," he explained, "and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research." The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer's ear, "Three million dollars." "Why so much more than the others?" the interviewer asked. The lawyer replied, "If you give me $3 million, I'll give you $1 million, I'll keep $1 million, and we'll send the engineer to Mars."


Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a hooker?

A: A hooker will stop trying to screw you once you're dead.


Q: Why does the bar association prohibit lawyers and clients from having sex?

A: To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.




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